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Something Cameron said...

Mar. 9th, 2010 | 10:51 pm
mood: cynicalcynical
music: Blue foundation - eyes on fire

It is often said that man, left to his own devices, comes from the other side of the world to find the truth of his soul in a foreign land. How much of everything I say is bullshit? Your guess is as good as mine.

I've discovered two things about myself.

I'm an American and it's hard for me to accept that I am insignificant.

I'm a Christian and it's hard for me to accept that I am insignificant.
Thoughts blur my head screaming to vindicate the origins of the afore-mentioned.

I look for scape-goats.
Was my ego bred into me or did I choose it.
Above I list two causes I'd like to cite. The social contexts of the United States and of Christianity. I suppose they aren't completely innocent.

I always get annoyed when a friend has a sudden conviction over something and then starts using the plural, "we".
We have strayed. We are concerned with material wealth. We need to stop talking so much.

Significance has been an enormous part of my life. Since I was fifteen I've been told of the "great" tasks that lie ahead of me.
I've been reasoning with light.
Let's say that's what I'm supposed to be.

In the face of some very tightly closed doors I look for a simpler guidance. Light.
I don't want to write this.

I don't know what I'm thinking.
I feel absolutely awful about the things that are being taught in contemporary christian churches.

I've become victim to it.
And I won't take that back.
My family has suffered because of the false teachings.
I suppose I'm more disillusioned than ever, I really didn't think it was possible.
I'm at the point I don't care to try anymore.
Or care anymore.
There are so many lies.
There is such little light.

With no one to follow
we scatter like bugs to the corners of molded walls
and dingy floor boards.
We hide.

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Corpses cont.

Mar. 3rd, 2010 | 10:39 pm

It is my greed and infidelity that has caused my faith to dwindle. With each moment of distracted, lustful eyes I staggered out the stoic distance from my heart to His.

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Because we're in the habit of never saying what we mean

Feb. 27th, 2010 | 11:18 pm
location: The lighting here is unbalanced.
mood: sleepysleepy
music: Big Love - Lindsey Buckingham

Here's my theory.
Everybody's on a wavelength and the day you get lucky is the day you find somebody that matches your pitch.
If you haven't got a great ear then I'd say it's easy to be fooled. You're thinking, "Yeah, I found it, we're definitely in tune."

I was fooled once. For the most part we were inseparable. Finishing each other's sentences. Honestly mutually infatuated. The imitation was hard to detect, dangerously subtle. I figured it out one night.

We were sitting on the grass outside his house. He leaned against his car and I against mine. Of course I can't really explain it. How do you make concrete the connected communicative efforts of your reason and emotion and spirit? But I guess what happened is that I finally scaled guard in order to sit face to face with him somewhere out in the middle of being honest. I told him the things that I knew were absolutely true and everything turned upside down. Suddenly he was speaking in Greek morse code and I only knew reverse german pig latin. There was this involuntary block.

I think the line between soul-mate and being in love is very fine.
Then again I'm not really sure.
It could be all I'm looking for is someone who will admit everyday that they don't know anything at all.
Or someone who has committed to a journey of seeking out truth.
Maybe he was a douche bag that only lied to himself and at least now I'll know it when I see it.
Whoever it is, I'm getting anxious to meet him.

I am going to stick to my pitch matching credence.
I can't go wrong there.
Now all I have to do is define the terms in statement A.
Cake.

Shouldn't wanting something be enough?
I have lots of questions.

I'll leave with this Haiku by
Phyllis Zylstra McGuinness
great name
great poem


The morning after
storm, the land yields sea treasure.
Trouble my water.

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(no subject)

Feb. 1st, 2010 | 05:24 pm

There is some part of me that has yet to be realized.
Some part of me that is lying but very close to the truth.
I can see it and feel it.

Where am I?
Hidden beneath someone else's baggage and fear.
What have I been doing.

I always have this need to be running from something. I create opportunities to feel like I'm a few steps ahead of what anybody was expecting. I try to fill this need to be a leader, to do something of my own, to establish my work.


I want new horizons to conquer.
To never stay put.

I feel like a warrior.
an adventurer.

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Hour and a half workout, CVS habits and Rihanna

Jan. 21st, 2010 | 12:20 am
location: strategically placed near small heater
music: If I Had it All, All Along the Watchtower- Dave Matthews Band

Never boring, that is what I tell myself when imaginarily hypothetically asked about my own life. A lot has happened in two weeks. In the short of it, I'm not moving back to Texas 'til summer, I've got Argentina on the brain and am currently working out how to get back there as quickly as possible.

Don't think the 10 hour flight didn't cross my mind.

I really like journaling but only when no one is going to read it. (Except Jenna :) )
I need paper.

My goal by the first of February is an hour and a half workout 6 days a week and to be swimming at least 3 days a week. I really love to swim, its never an effort and I've never begrudged the water for losing time to it. I'm always surprised how quickly time slips away while swimming. Anna Deveare Smith slept in her swimsuit for a year because she was afraid she wouldn't make herself go in the mornings. And she is an artist that I admire. Not that she was the first of her kind but I do believe that she created new opportunities for herself and other people and that is something I aspire to. (Sometimes ending sentences in prepositions seems unavoidable even though I could have said, "to which I aspire" but come on.) ope, there it is again.

Another goal:
Until I'm 33 I'd like to only live in places for two years maximum. Yes, 33 is an arbitrarily selected age. I don't know what is going to take place to ground me but hopefully it will be worth it. I've been in Cleveland too long and I think I'm worried about wasting time with dead people. But that's another diatribe.

Can we talk about how I don't want to work at Target anymore?
No you're right I should skip that.

I've started going to CVS regularly to buy an assortment of Arizona teas and Sour Patch kids << favorite candy!
It's not a good habit but...

My dad said to me the other day, "If you ever you've been alone, you'll be alone there." To be honest, I can't wait.
I'm looking at the chair in my room and wondering how it got to be in the position that it is in right now. Someone's been in here while I was gone. I blame Ryan.

Oh, Rihanna is what I've been listening to this week while working out. Don't judge.

I wonder if its been long enough.
For you to forgive me.
I don't suppose I care but I do think its funny how often the thought comes to mind.
None of it could possibly matter by now.
Maybe.

Until next time.

P.S. After seeing Sherlock Holmes I've decided that if possible I would like to marry a man who is part of an underground boxing circuit known currently as fight clubs, I'm sure.

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I should be in bed.

Jan. 12th, 2010 | 09:30 pm
location: near a poorly insulated window
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: My Old Flame - Charlie Parker

Guess what? My days of waking up at 2:45 in the morning are nearly over. I'm going to get my nights back.
This is something to be thankful for. Also, since I'm going to be writing more my LJ needs a facelift. I'll have to find time to do that tomorrow.

Update: Didn't send my mail out yet. Doing it tomorrow.

I'm tired of feeling transitory. I want to be grounded. To feel attached to something. Does everyone struggle with this at my age? I've felt this way since I was 19. Today I got out the shower and said to myself, "Oh God, I'm going to be 24." In a year and two months but that's not the point. I read the blog of someone whose blog I like to read last night after posting the first phases of my plan and it was all about the importance of setting goals and that in the past five year she's met all of the goals that she set for herself. So, feeling reassured there. So, what do I want to have accomplished by the time I am 24.

Cued.

P.S. I feel queasy.

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(no subject)

Jan. 11th, 2010 | 10:21 pm
music: Haitian Fight Song-Charles Mingus

The last four months have been hellish and something had to change.
So. I quit my job.
And, I'm moving back to Texas.
There's a start.

AND...

For the first time in my conscious, semi-responsible, fly by the seat of my pants adult life I am a developing a plan that spans more than just a few days. I'm in a good place at the moment because I have absolutely nothing. Therefore, I have nothing to lose. (I've always hated grammar.) Working at Target made me think a lot about the value of my personal happiness and that money gives me no satisfaction. I've been thinking a lot about the things I want and to be honest I only have a slight glimpse of how to attain them but I realized that I am the only person that is responsible for what happens in my life and if I am unhappy with the things that I've done then it is up to me to remedy that.

So, plans have phases. Right? Okay I have my first two phases which of course have sub-points and I'm certain there will be lots of list making. But first...

Phase one: Save as much money as possible between February and the end of August.
Sub-point: get job
Phase two (which will run concurrently with phase one (perhaps I should use a different method of organization)): make contacts with like-minded people in the DFW area and perhaps Albuquerque.

Okay I'm going to diverge for a bit and explain this New Mexico thing.
- Ryan and I are driving in the car coming around the curve just after the first big hill on 75 South just before exit 11 and he says to me, "Why would you want to move to Albuquerque?" and feeling slightly judged and caught off guard I said,"I don't know." The conversation continues and he says, "How could you just pick up and move to a city you have no prior connection and make it work there? It'd be nobody but you." For whatever reason what he said really bothered me but that's good because I really thought it through and this is what I came up with.

No, you know what? I'm not going to explain because the more I try to come up with reasons the more I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of something that I don't need convincing of and that makes me feel a little crazy.

And, p.s.! That is how I work. I need new ground to cover, new scenes to navigate and new horizons to conquer. This is my need. Although, I do know that I tend to think that location changes will solve my dissatisfactions with life but I remind myself now all the time that a city is a city and its not about WHERE you are 90% of the time.

Alright, really the point of this blog is to say that something new and active is happening now and I'm going to use this as a way to stay accountable. (We'll see how long this keeps up.)

Phase 2 (more specifically): after finding a job I am going to contact community center types of places well, like teen challenge, juvenile detention center... sort of places to talk with them about doing work with theatre for development because it's time to start doing the work that I want to do whether it is convenient or i am getting paid for it or whether anybody understands it.

Re-cap,

Save money
Meet People
Initiate and begin working on community project

This is what I've got today.

Tomorrow I have to finish a paper and send out lots of mail but I won't say anything more than that because I don't want to get my hopes up.

Okay two more things.

1. This is what I wanted to say when I quit today: Honestly, Todd. Target isn't the kind of place that I can believe in. It represents everything that I think is broken and corrupt in our society and I can't keep pretending to care about something that ultimately is a disgusting waste of my time and effort. But thanks for always being so odd and friendly.


2. When will being young finally feel tired and old. When can I stop expecting to fall into real love. With my head on the ground and my feet in the air.

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More on corpses

Nov. 14th, 2009 | 11:15 am
location: Between This and That
music: Can't Hardly Wait - The Replacements, Cat Powers-Don't Explain

We're bad at this
you and I.
Talking about what we should.
Lying to each other instead of everybody else.
Telling someone else the truth through red-faced,
hot, drunken laughter.
Sitting sober and straight-faced spinning a yarn.

At what point will we ask for help?
From each other
or a stranger.

My name is. I'm broken. I know this already thus am confused as to why I sit here with you now. What can you tell me. Nothing new. Thanks.

In other words, I want us to trust each other.
Let me know you.
Use my t-shirt as a snot rag.

P.S. I may leave school.




.

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You left the milk out.

Nov. 12th, 2009 | 07:43 pm
location: Ottoman, corner next to purple table
music: M. Ward - Post War (on repeat)

This time tomorrow, where will be?
Things are slightly off.
Ryan's different since he came home. Sad.
I don't know why.
I can't fix him.

Brothers are that way, aimless. Reckless. Worrisome.

Anecdote.

There is a man by the name of Marlon who lives with his wife, Olive. They had a son but when he was merely 10 months old a twister swooped down into their backyard and carried him off. Since then things are different. Marlon has a theory about corpses.

My organization is terrible. This will most likely always be true.

"There is something to be said for witnessing the body. To have the image of a corpse in your mind once something has died is an irreplaceable comfort. Most people don't know this to be the truth but in honesty that's the way it is. I suppose you can't really know it until you've experienced the death without the body. Without the evidence there's always some hope that, well, he's flying around out there up in the clouds."

To finish.

I've been thinking lately I'm tired of school. I'm ready to move on, get out and get moving to another city.

My glimpse of God. A good friend. She's the most sincere and loving person I know. It's cliche and these words do not justify her intentions. She is a glimpse of some love I've long forgotten. I mean it, God has blessed me by her over and over. This is my glimpse.

My neighbors are totally obnoxious. Okay I'm gonna stop now.

P.S. I want you.

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